15 Mar 2011 @ 3:33 PM 

Car crashes: Why is it that so many people have to slow down and stare? Why won’t anyone get out and help them? And most importantly, why do so many people enable them to happen? All of these questions and much more are being asked of Ark Music Factory‘s newest artist, Rebecca Black. Who is Rebecca Black, you ask? Well, words are pretty overrated in this case, so watch this and then we’ll talk…

In the words of my favorite singing nun, Maria, lets start at the very beginning… Before we’re even 5 seconds into the song or ‘yeah yeahs’, Ark Music Factory is already giving themselves a ‘shout out’ by putting themselves in print on an animated book at the very beginning underneath Ms. Black and some guy auto-tuned saying ‘a a a a Ark’. This lets us know whose fault this is. Then we have the ‘book’ turning to pages with titles from good songs like ‘Just Another Manic Monday’ and even more infuriating, ‘Friday I’m In Love’. NOTE: Never mention a good song in the middle of your bad song. Moving on… Black’s voice. Who doesn’t like nasal-y vocals? And auto-tune? Well thats just one of the instruments of success!

Now lets get to the meat of the song– The lyrics. This is the part where we hear in specific detail on what you do when you get up, get dressed and eat breakfast. Because who among us hasn’t pondered the paradigm of cereal consumption? But no time for that, lets get to the real action: Transportation indecisiveness. Bus versus Car. Duh! Car! Then comes the part where we get to see how clearly more awesome riding in a car is… this must be her lucky day. Man, if only it were Friday, that would be perfect… and it is! And because its Friday, you obviously wanna party, right? Well the other kids in the car think so too. In fact, they agree with her so much that they multiply their voices by 20 and put themselves in a warehouse to express it. Now thats what I call agreement. So its time we get to school and the party obviously continues there… wait, now its nighttime. Okay… nighttime. Ohhh nighttime on a green screen! So they must have gone to school and went to theater class. Okay, that makes sense. At least we know that they won’t get hurt riding on the back of a dangerous car because its just a piece of a set. Moving on… Now we’re at the destination of the party. This could get interesting… I mean, anything to distract us from the nails-on-the-chalkboard vocalizing of Friday over and over is welcomed at this point. OoooOoooo! A House! But nevermind that, my favorite part of the video is coming up! This is the part when we hear about how today is Friday and how yesterday was Thursday. So, what else to sing about… uh, Saturday is tomorrow. And you know what? Sunday is like the day after that. Yeah, that’ll work. Sundaaay!

BREAKDOWN!

Awwww yeah! Who dis? Aw snap, its my boy Patrice Wilson AKA PATRICE! Hes talking about driving on a Friday and cutely waving at… school buses?!? Okay… Friday?

Ohhhh so this is why she was going to that house party. Shes performing in the backyard! Yeah, they’re really into it… all those hands in the air… neat. Even PATRICE thinks its cool, see? He thinks its ‘Fun Fun Fun Fun‘ too.

______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

So why am I pointing out all the countless flaws about this video? The answer is simple: People need to stop enabling children without any talent. They even have their own label now. Watch this and tell me there isn’t something wrong here– I particularly enjoyed the part where they stopped everything to listen to a Quincy Jones voice message on an iPad saying that he couldn’t make it at 5:50. The fact of the matter is that they’re talentless adolescents who should be focusing on finishing school and getting into college where they’ll study things that put them far, far away from anything to do with music. Now, a special word for Rebecca Black:

Look. Rebecca. I’m sorry that you suck. We can’t all be winners, but you’re in luck! You still have time to change all of that. No, no. Not music. Perhaps English literature or even massage therapy. With an education you can be anything you want to be! Hey, you’re a smart girl and we’re all here for you. You’re the only one who knows your potential and only you can unlock it. We’re pulling for you. Now, go to your room, young lady– That video made my eyes bleed.

Friday

Posted By: thelittlefield
Last Edit: 23 Mar 2011 @ 10:16 AM

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